I've been out of prison for just a little over 5 months now. In this time that I've been out, I've mostly committed myself to listening and waiting. I journal on a lot of different topics, however I was kind of remiss to not really attempt to blog more about some of the struggles that come with being institutionalized and now adjusting to society and responsibilities. While a lot of people may downplay the amount of work it takes to adjust to outside life again, I can say that after a decade of incarceration that a lot has changed, and that being out of the loop is ever-recurring. There were plenty of people who gave me a hand and supported me, and still continue to do so, and I'm grateful for that. However, there is also a great amount of confusion I have still with the way a lot of things are. Why do search engines suck so much now? Why is it that every YouTuber has to include ads in THEIR video and sponsor a product when I'm just trying to look at a longplay or some commentary about video games??? It is funny that I was informed by magazines, family and friends about some things about the internet as well as the world (and in a lot of ways these two things are interchangeable or one and the same now, but we'll get to that a bit later), and I had some idea of how things were going to be, however I didn't realize that the toxic corners that once existed on the internet is basically everywhere in the disguise of the new forms of social media and other platforms.

I really don't want this post to be about how "old internet was better" or "I enjoyed this shit before you did." Truth is, old internet wasn't really better, and it was boring and malware-filled in its darkest ages. I do miss some things about the old internet, namely that the internet wasn't generally streamlined at all times through devices. We didn't have big data or 5G, and our myspace pages weren't as much of an extension of ourselves as the way someones meta accounts/google/tiktok/etc. are today. Myspace and other platforms incl. instant messengers (MSN, AIM, etc.) were more of a way to connect with others. Even Twitter, in a city or populated area, was really useful to make connections with people of common interest and just networking in general. People actually cared about other people's tweets like it was a stream of consciousness or collective mind. The algorithm has really dulled down the actual social element of social media, and so I really try to avoid all those major platforms in general.

There were smartphones before my incarceration, and I did own one. I don't know what year it really started to take hold, but now phones are really like a drug to people. People can't live without looking at their phone, or lose themselves and go into anxiety fits over not having their phone. While I do have a lot of apps I enjoy on the phone, and I do carry it everywhere: I have my reasons. It is unfortunate that in this world, it is hard to do anything without a phone now. These aren't really phones, they are just mini-computer ankle monitors. I have to keep my phone on me, as I am under supervision. If I get a call from the PO, I have to pick up and communicate. Prison is like a microcosm of this world, and this world really is a prison. Only when you free your mind, and find a safe place or refuge within the nine realms of your mind, will you be able to experience true freedom. I learned that a long time ago, and it is always a Work-in-progress and never granted -- it's a choice.

I choose to be master of myself, and that includes master of my phone. One day when I'm off supervision, I'd prefer maybe to only use or have access to my phone once or twice a week. I really don't like it. It's a machine full of toxic energy, and I only have fun on it when I mostly do activities such as read eBooks, read manga or play emulators. No, I don't play any of the "X-game" Go's or Gacha or Paywall.. and yes, I've given these their fair share of time AND it is always worth it to uninstall those types of games as they aren't really games and are more of a "service"..

Another thing: I'm really trying my best so that I have a good variety of social outlets. The internet can't be my only social outlet. There was often a joke about people looking down at their smartphones, when they first came out. And now that joke is the reality of this world. Every time I'm out, I look around and people just look down at the phone. Don't get me wrong, I do look at my phone in public too. It just is kind of a shame that the world's social anxieties and ineptness is like looking in a mirror almost. I remember being the socially awkward one, and now it is like cool to be socially awkward now I guess. (not really) People would rather interact with each other through their phone, and I really find that odd. I go to NA meetings, and there are people glued to their phone the WHOLE time. Now, there is a certain amount of social activity and commitment I get with being a member of NA and other social groups or 12-step meetings, but I am re-learning as well that I will continue to be disappointed with people not just in NA, but anywhere. Maybe when I have less obligations/responsibilities, I'll be able to expand on my options in social outlets.

My life in prison in terms of QoL and social life was actually a lot better. Everything is right there. Now, there are limitations and lack of information. However, the internet isn't the way it was 10 years ago. The internet is full of disinformation and lots of hurdles (pay-walls) to get information. You have to be even more clever to find the inner secrets on the web, which is not really as exciting as some Indiana Jones-esque adventure or some Sherlock Holmes case solving. Prison kind of forces you to interact with people you normally wouldn't want anything to do with, and I've actually made real friendships by overcoming differences. A lot of the beauty we see in JRPG/story-based games, showing character development and growth, were actually really part of my reality. I met some of the most amazing people, and unfortunately a lot of those people can only be their best selves in prison for on reason or another. Namely, institutionalization is the main reason. I do get a little bit of connection with people at an NA meeting, which is similar to the forced interaction of prison, but the difference is that: once the meeting is over, "real life" starts back up again. In prison, you are consistently around people, and it is a good idea to built pro-social relationships in there (albeit, hard at times too) so that you consistently have positive support. I learned that we really are who and what we surround ourselves with, and that as much of an introvert that I may be: I know that how I feel on the inside does get impacted to a point by the outside world. When the outside world becomes too overwhelming for me, it is very easy to withdraw and it is a way I've protected myself for a very long time. (and not necessarily a bad thing, if in moderation or to certain extents of coping, etc.) This is a very hard paradigm to deal with. And understanding the paradoxical nature of this world was very important to me, and hopefully I can relate what I've learned in prison to being on the streets.

If you are reading this and you are institutionalized also, please contact me somehow. Two minds are greater than one, and this world really is weak right now. We don't have to let ourselves feel or think we are weak because we don't fit in with it. Let's overcome barriers together and share our successes in this new, odd digital world. (yes, I do think I am in a quasi-Bladerunner or proto-cyberpunk world, not as aesthetically grimey or cool but yet it can have that vibe sometimes...)