In my last journal entry, I talked about institutionalized struggles and some of my perspectives on the world. I won't say that I completely disagree with them now, but I will admit that my attitude in writing this has changed. (for now) I have on-and-off been having a lot of issues with anxiety and fear lately. I generally take a lot of my anger or fear out by shitposting or ragebaiting on Fediverse and/or gikopoi. (not as much with the latter, and generally only towards people that are fun to troll there) That's probably not the best way to deal with my issues, but there is always a lot worse. I really want to focus more on my goals with these entries than anything else in this part of the Ex-Con journal... I want to establish a place where we, as ex-convicts or FIP (formerly incarcerated people), can get help and get better.

My goals are clearly stated as, in no real order:

As this grows and I am able to tend to the structure of the goals of the Ex-Con journal, there will be improvements and additions to the statements. I want to keep an open-mind and allow for this to not get "locked in" to anything specific. I do believe that group therapy or social support groups are good to model after. For now, this will just be me writing about a lot of my struggles as well as even my successes! I do get in my head very often, and even though I meditate and pray regularly: I still struggle to grasp my situation. I have good support in a lot of realms of my life, and I do have people to talk to. Something is missing though, and I really don't want other people that were incarcerated to go through what I've had to deal with. There is a lot of shame that comes with incarceration. In society, there are too many barriers that prevent the open discussion of rehabilitation and helping people overcome their mistakes (that includes non-criminal mistakes!!!)... Hopefully, we can make a shift in these discussions, or start the discussion where it needs to happen.

There are things I do miss about prison, and I shouldn't be ashamed or have to hide my past because other people feel like it is "too personal" or "not appropriate." In lower-income communities or "the hood," perhaps there is more open-minds to prison or people that are formerly incarcerated. The only problem is that there is a glorification of recidivism, as well as the lifestyle of prison in a lot of circles where people are receptive to prisoners/former prisoners.

Another thing I would like to address, I will alternatively use "Ex-con" or "FIP" (formerly incarcerated person/people) to describe us as a group. I don't find "ex-con" offensive, but I also see the more inclusive nature of the term FIP. The term "institutionalized" pushes even more inclusion. Whatever the term is, they are all the same to me really. I would like for terminology not to be confusing, but this is not a structured group or idea yet. I'm sick and tired of trying to run away from who I am and what my past is. I want to be accepted for who I am and what I've done to overcome my past. My past is apart of me, and it has made me a better person. I don't think I would hold myself accountable or live to the standards that I live without my 10 years of incarceration. I want to be able to help people leaving prisons so that they don't have to go back to prison.

We want to prevent recidivism. More FIPs that go back to prison are more reasons for society to turn their backs to us. We want to not just build up each other, but raise awareness to others in a positive way. I will try my best to make these journals not about complaining or crying. I want this to be a productive endeavor, or at least a way to put it out there what I'm going through and maybe some things I'm going to keep my mind open to. One thing I'm open to doing is reaching out to therapy, psychiatry, go out to more NA meetings, and reach out to the numbers of other FIPs (even if it takes 1000000 phone calls to get through)... If you are an ex-con and you are struggling and you are ready to get passed the gate, write me! I don't know if I can help, but I can at least listen and relate to you. And to those of you who aren't us, just know that I hope you get something out of this and hopefully you are more aware of this situation now. It is going to take a lot of time to overcome, but I'm ready to keep at this and keep at my self-care. Until next time. Thanks for reading.